What was that thing Sir Humphrey used to say? You know, when Jim Hacker came up with an idea that sort of made sense, but would nonetheless be about as welcome in the real world as a barrel of dead kittens? “VERY brave, Minister!”. That’s the feeling you get while reading Governor Perry’s book, which sets out in careful detail how he plans to lead the Republicans to their worst defeat since 1964. Yes, farm subsidies are way too high. But no-one will thank you in Iowa for proposing to abolish them. Yes, America has massive and unsustainable benefit programmes, especially for prescription drugs. But clams will vote for chowder before Florida’s over-60s vote to scrap Medicare. Social Security has been called the third rail of American politics. Rick Perry finds the fourth, fifth, and sixth rails, skips along them all the way up to the generator, then plugs his gubernatorial wang right into the socket. His big idea in ‘Fed Up!’ is that the federal government sucks: that it has betrayed both the constitution, by investing itself with powers it had no right to assume, and the people, by maxing out on the national credit card to the point where America’s debt stands at a scarcely-conceivable 14 trillion dollars. And his solution? Repeal virtually every piece of federal legislation and all Supreme Court judgments since 1932, and return to the founding fathers’ original vision of semi-independent states working out their problems for themselves. Let California legalise dope. Let Massachusetts have state-run health care. Above all - very important, this - let Texas arrest, prosecute and convict adult males who choose to have sex with each other. Untutored as I am in the Americans’ peculiar system of government, it seems to me that Mr Perry hasn’t thought this through as carefully as he might. For one thing, his plan doesn’t really address the deficit. If several hundred congressmen and senators got Americans into this mess, I am by no means convinced that several thousand Mayor Quimbys and Boss Hoggs are the right people to get them out of it. Also, haven’t we heard talk of States’ Rights somewhere before? The governor ties himself into all sorts of knots on this subject. It’s fine, apparently, for states to discriminate on the basis of sexual preference, but very, very wrong when it comes to skin colour. I do not pretend to understand this. I cannot see how it is an intolerable usurpation of the popular will for Washington to force Texas into repealing its anti-sodomy laws, yet entirely virtuous and correct when it tells Alabama where black folk can sit in a bus. So much for the policies. What about the man? He describes himself as ‘the kind of guy who goes jogging in the morning, packing a Ruger .380 with laser sights and loaded with hollow-point bullets, and shoots a coyote that is threatening his daughter’s dog’. It’s an interesting way to announce yourself on the national stage. Back home in Northumberland, I know plenty of people who own guns and shoot vermin. Why, some are so good they don’t even use laser sights. Very few of them show off about it though. It’s like expecting a round of applause for having once swatted a fly. Here’s a tip, Governor: if you think this kind of thing is worth boasting about, at least get someone else to do the boasting for you.